Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:
VP: "Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable."
Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.
我们老师给了他一个相当冷漠的眼神，不紧不慢地放下手中的书，然后pia pia pia拍了三下手（通常当我们都在听歌时，老师会用这种方法叫我们集中注意）。提醒一下，当时我们并不知道刚刚副校长和老师间发生了什么。高能来了。
Teacher: "Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This'll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up."
We all stood up in near unison very quickly.
Teacher: "Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says," as he points his finger at VP, "do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!"
We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.
Teacher: "Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom"
We didn't budge.
My HS principal once insulted my mother's English (she's not from America).
She just politely apologized for the mixup and said "I'm sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?"
Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali.
when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said "Superman needs no seatbelt!"
"Superman needs no plane" she replied.
Boss to worker: "I need you to do such and such."
Worker: "You didn't say the "P" word".
Boss says, "Paycheck".
I'm eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter.
He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy's plate and I guess he noticed that he didn't really eat a whole lot.
He says to the old man as he's leaving,"people are starving, and you're leaving food on the plate."
Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, "people are starving, and you're fat. What's the difference?"
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger "You know, smoking kills."
The stranger replies "you know my grandma lived to the age 101."
Guy goes "smoking?"
Stranger immediately replies with "minding her own business."
My friend asked our teacher "In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?"
She replied, "how was prison?"
I have an in-law who eats keto and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his (very overweight) cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave.